Old Men on the Subway

Last night I debated if I should take the trip to Costco and my empty refrigerator told me it would be a good idea.  So, I hopped on the train to visit a new part of town.

Costco is a tiny little "almost feels like I'm in America".  Well, only when it comes to the products.  So this is where I stock up on my junk food and other completely unnecessary but really wanted things.

$80 later I had a box full of chips, cheese, bananas, cereal, sour cream, muffins and sandwiches. I didn't have my completely useful Costco bag because I left from work... what to do?  Buy a bag for $2 or tough it out with a 20 lb box? Well, I didn't see any bags easily accessible so I decided to do it the hard way.

I always do it the hard way.  There is some weird thing in my brain that wants to accept the challenge, even though it doesn't make sense... just to see if I CAN.  Its like gambling.  This is how I lost my hairbrush.  I digress...

So, on the subway home, the white girl with the box of groceries got a lot of "looks".  Its always interesting riding the subway.  And here is where the real story comes in.

I plopped my box down in the "handicap/pregnant/ elderly" seats, since they were open.  These seats are clearly marked on the subway and although they are open, usually they will remain empty because its the right thing to do...  Well, I figured the huge box I was carrying made me handicapped...  A few stops later I felt awkward when a bunch of old men stepped onto the train and there weren't enough open seats... so I stood up just in case they wanted to sit.  They saw me and told me to please sit (but in Korean).  I stood for a while just in case, but they were ok... so I sat back down.

One of the gentlemen then wandered over and thus began the familiar conversation.  Though he started with "my friend thinks you are from Denmark"  I said, "no".  He said, "America right?"
"Yes, but my ancestors are from Germany"
"oh, Guten Tag"
"Ha!  But I don't speak German, it was my great-grandmother"

Then of course, how long have you been here, where do you work, etc etc...

The old lady across the isle half entered the conversation making remarks about my purchased items and that it looked heavy.

The man talking to me spoke English very well.  Well enough to tell me that I'm a very beautiful teacher and that next time I should get my boyfriend to carry the box for me.

It was then time to exit the train.  I kindly said good bye and they said, see you next time!

Lol... the ever familiar subway conversation... always with the old guys.  Maybe I really do need to start having my "boyfriend" carry my groceries.

Yeesh!
Life as an expat should never be boring... a new adventure awaits everyday.

Weekends Away and the Art of Sleeping

This weekend I took a fantastic trip with some friends to the Southern part of South Korea.  We climbed a mountain and went to a beach.

This was my first time to join a group travel/hiking trip in Korea.  I usually shy away from the group thing because you might just get stuck with some idiots.  Well, lucky me, it turned out to be a pretty decent group!

We left at midnight on Friday night and drove through the night for a sunrise hike.  I'm not a huge fan of sunrises... they've usually proved a big disappointing (its dark and then its light).  The weather was wet. Raining. Cloudy.  BUT- we did it.  We hiked to the "cloud" bridge, especially named for a day like the one we were having.  Every now and then we got a glimpse of the view through an opening.

After the hike we drove to Mokpo.  It was still raining.  I hadn't slept for 36 hours (or so) and I was TIRED.  But they had to kill time because the road we would have to travel would be under water until 6pm when the tide went out.

So I got a coffee and took a walk with my friends... in the rain.

We traveled to our pension and just had to wait a little while for the water to recede.  I was still tired.  But managed to set up the tent on the rooftop.  Forced to stay up to grill burgers, eat and then of course drink.  I finally left our rousing "game of death" at about 10 pm and crashed in the tent.  It was a fantastic sleep.

Turns out we had the perfect set up with our tent... I woke up once again for sunrise and it was beautiful... but I could only hold one eye open for about 10 seconds before I fell into a slumber again.

The next day we went to the beach and I got burned.  I'm not so good at even application of sunscreen.  Today my nose is peeling.

In the end, I'm glad coffee still has the desired effect, though last night I had a coffee at 5pm and the effect was finally falling asleep at 3AM.

There are more adventures to speak of, but if you really want to know, then you'll just have to ask.

Deep thoughts on my own selfishness and what it is to be a missionary

I moved to Korea with the intention of helping North Korean defectors.  So far I've only been able to tutor a few university students once a week.  I'm glad I can provide a free service that will help them in their future but at times it seems kind of lame and ineffective.  Meeting only once a week with many weeks being skipped doesn't allow even for much of a friendship.

So, I continue to ask myself what next?

What is this next step in the journey? Where is God leading my life- but more importantly my heart?

I've signed up to teach/help at an English unification camp which is set up for younger students from North Korea but will also include South Korean and American students.  The goal is to educate, encourage friendships and also preach the gospel.  This camp is created by a school here in seoul that is for North Korean students.  I would love to work at a school like this!  But then I heard that the teachers are with the students 24 hours a day- probably 6 or 7 days a week! And suddenly... My selfishness reared its ugly head. Wait- you mean I'd have to give up my fun weekends? You mean I'd have to always be 'good'?  You mean I'd have to actually spend ALL my time serving?  I'm not sure if I'm ready for this kind of commitment.  Granted I have no idea what the position would actually look like- but it's important enough to know that my heart isn't fully in it at the moment.  (Though I want it to be!)

Indeed, with time I've lost some of my passion.  Normal everyday life is draining. Being surrounded by people who are incredibly selfish and conceited makes you feel like you have more rights and needs than you really do.

So on to my next set of thoughts-

I wanted to be a missionary. I want to be a missionary? I wrote a paper in missions college about what a missionary is. I remember the basis of the paper said that you should go to another culture to be a missionary and working in your own culture is ministry not missions.  Ok- so I'm in another culture- so am I a missionary?

I never considered missions to South Korea because it is generally a Christian influenced nation. However the more I am in this culture the more I see their need for Christ! I'm sad that most people probably think like I used to.  South Korea already has Jesus, they don't need missionaries.

But- 

South Korea is leading the world in suicides.  

It is also leading a plastic surgery with the most procedures per capita (one in five women).

And if that isn't enough, surely reading this article about the Sex industry will make you just a little bit upset or in my case down right depressed.  To top it all off Alcoholism is also very prevalent.  Here we have a nation that is obsessed with its outward appearance but ignores their inner being.

This year has been especially eye opening for me- and down right depressing.  Every article I read (click on links above) makes me more and more sad for this nation.  North Korea has its problems, but South Korea has plenty of problems too.  They just hide them a little better.  But I see through you Korea!  I see the hurt and pain and disproval.  The longing for something more.

Where does all of this leave me?  I'm not sure.  I know that I need to work on my own heart and failings too.  But, with that being said, I also would like to be a little more intentional with my life here in South Korea.  People need Jesus.  Period.  I will be a missionary.  I am a missionary?

When the heart begins to stir

Maybe things are beginning to stir...

For the last 4 or 5 months my heart has felt very dead.  I've done a lot of questioning of my own morals and values and questioned what I want to hold on to, what matters, what is real and what is true.  It hasn't been all that fun.  I've messed up a few times along the way.  I've sinned.  I've failed.

But, amongst the questioning and the failure and the pain and loneliness, I've always held on to what I know to be fully true and fully real.  Jesus.

It hasn't been easy.  But I'll save my struggles for perhaps a personal conversation.

I've been going through a lot of motions (attending praise and prayer events, church, etc.) without any kind of stirring in my heart.  I know that most of this comes from my lack of time spent with God.  My prayer and devotional life has been almost non existent.  And that kind of sucks.  I know what I should do, but just like Paul and everyone else, I do what I don't want to do and I don't do what I want to do... Life's like that.

I moved to Seoul 2 months ago (wow, almost seems longer!) in hopes to continue the journey and the path that I believe the Lord has placed before me.  Things are slowly chugging along.  I feel like I am definitely one step closer to where I'm going... but I'm still unclear on the final destination.

I've already ruined my chances of ever doing an secret missions work in a foreign land, so I won't be hiding my thoughts anymore.  I'm not called to be a secret missionary... I can't lie and I can't shut up about things that I think are wrong... so I'm gonna put a little more out there now.

I moved to Seoul to pursue working with/for the people of North Korea.  I've met a few new students/ friends from the North and will have another opportunity tomorrow.  So, things are moving along.

I've been church hopping for the last 2 months.  I've attended 4 different English services in Seoul.  I'm lucky to have the options, but sometimes having too many options is just daunting!  Well, I finally feel a peace about Onnuri English Ministry(http://www.onnurienglish.org).  I love the pastor Eddie Byun, sometimes it feels like he gets into my brain.  Every sermon he preaches has significant meaning for me and gives me things to think about throughout the week.  So, I'm very happy to pursue calling this church "home" and will hopefully meet lots of cool people at the Spring Retreat in 2 weeks!  (yay!)

Something that has also been put on my heart and mind lately is continuing my education.  There is an English Seminary in Seoul called Torch Trinity
http://www.ttgst.ac.kr/ttgst/eng/resource/resource03.asp
They have a couple of different programs that I may be interested in.  Its also cheaper to get a masters at this school than most in the States.  Pray for me!  It wasn't really on my mind too much until recently.

I make many of my decisions based on my own feelings... like "it just feels right" kind of the "you know when  you know" thing... with both attending Onnuri church and possibly going to grad school/seminary here, I feel peace.  It feels good.  I can picture myself here.

So... here I am once again at the beginning of the chapter.  Not sure how this chapter will go... who the characters are... how the plot will develop~ BUT I'm diving in!

If you read this entire post then thanks!  This is where my heart is tonight.  I'm hoping it will continue to stir and that I'll be a little less selfish and a little more prone to seek God.  Be blessed!

Popular or not?

Funny the things we find that bring us happiness or make us feel blue... things that validate us and things that drag us down. * I'm venturing back into Elementary School. Teaching 5th grade I'm finding is SOOooooo much fun! Even though I don't have the "professor" title anymore, I think I actually enjoy 5th grade more. Of course this is only because I was blessed with a super great bunch of kids! Like seriously... they are AMAZING! They are funny and smart and most of them are nice. But the most important thing is that I've won them over and they ALL like me. YES! SUCCESS!!! 120 ten year olds in the palm of my hand! * Somehow my students have decided that I am, in fact, cool. So, no matter what my sister says... I have 120 other opinions. ;-) Mostly I've won them over with games and candy. But also love. I have a genuine love for these kids. I want to see them succeed and I want to see them be happy. And I think they know that. * But back to my main point... its really funny the things I'm finding that give me validation or make me second guess myself. * A couple of weeks ago a 5th grade boy said my outfit looked "weird" or something of that sort, and no joke, I second guessed my fashion sense... because of a 5th grade boy! * On the other hand, I'm also finding a lot of validation from the students (blowing up my Ego for sure!)... things like "I like you", "You are the best", "You are my favorite teacher", "you're cool"... simple things. Things everyone likes to hear but as an adult we just don't say enough. * Other things that I think this generation especially finds validation in is the cyber liking. I feel popular when you re-pin my pin on pinterest. I feel rejected when you don't like my picture or status on facebook. When I wake up in the morning and I don't have any new notifications I feel like no one likes me. Crazy what we've become because of technology. * I'm happy that I have found acceptance from my students and I'm very grateful to have a job that I (mostly) enjoy. I know that my true worth doesn't come from my number of friends on facebook or how many people like or re-pin. My true worth comes from Jesus Christ. I'm joyful for what God is creating me to be. The process isn't always fun. Sometimes its very lonely. But through it all, rejection AND acceptance- I'm becoming me! Keep that in mind next time you're feeling up or down. * And if you are reading this blog, I just want to let you know... I like you!

On Being Happy

There is a certain importance in happiness. Sometimes it's hard to find, but I believe it's important to look for. Right now, I'm happy. My heart is full. This feeling is precious. It's one of those things that makes life worth living. It's difficult for me to understand the depression and hopelessness that haunts so many others. I thank God that I don't struggle with that. Granted there are many times of loneliness and times when I'm really not happy- but it usually takes a few tears, prayers and a small searching to find it again. So what makes you happy? Sometimes it's the little things: watching a father play with his child, a smile from a stranger, standing in the ocean watching the sun set, a letter from a friend, even a fruit bat in a tree! Learn to cherish the small things. And smile when you can find happiness in it all. Next- when things get lonely, or sad or you feel hopeless, remember that list of happy: that adorable baby in the bus smiling at you, the kind woman who offered her help even though you don't speak the same language, family, friends, nieces, nephews, laughing until you cry- remember and smile. These were my thoughts while flying from Hong Kong to Korea... travel usually makes me happy... but then they put me on the wrong bus. To end my journey I took what I thought would be the quickest route home, because I was tired. But the lady selling me my bus ticket didn't listen closely enough... and sent me to the wrong bus. So, I spent an extra hour taking the subway from the wrong destination, finally to arrive "home"... but lucky for me I had this already written blog to keep my tears at bay... I found peace in sleeping in my own bed, with my own pillow. I knew that the next day I could find enough to keep me entertained and return the "happy". Amidst the trials, find your happy. It's there.

Thoughts on turning 29

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! That is my first thought. I can't believe I'm 29 already! Where did 28 go? Sorry for the lack of blogs this year- the truth is, I failed at everything I set out to do. I was going to blog more- fail. I was going to make more videos- fail. I was going to study Korean more- fail. So this year I will resolve to not make any resolutions.

Back to being 29- needless to say the last year FLEW by! Last year I was climbing a mountain on my birthday- this year I was dancing in a swanky club in Seoul- and every year my body reminds me that I actually am getting older. This year I actually took a trip to the doctor with some calcific tendinitis. Ouch! But after a week or two of recouping I'll be 26 again.

I definitely don't feel like I'm 29.