When the heart begins to stir

Maybe things are beginning to stir...

For the last 4 or 5 months my heart has felt very dead.  I've done a lot of questioning of my own morals and values and questioned what I want to hold on to, what matters, what is real and what is true.  It hasn't been all that fun.  I've messed up a few times along the way.  I've sinned.  I've failed.

But, amongst the questioning and the failure and the pain and loneliness, I've always held on to what I know to be fully true and fully real.  Jesus.

It hasn't been easy.  But I'll save my struggles for perhaps a personal conversation.

I've been going through a lot of motions (attending praise and prayer events, church, etc.) without any kind of stirring in my heart.  I know that most of this comes from my lack of time spent with God.  My prayer and devotional life has been almost non existent.  And that kind of sucks.  I know what I should do, but just like Paul and everyone else, I do what I don't want to do and I don't do what I want to do... Life's like that.

I moved to Seoul 2 months ago (wow, almost seems longer!) in hopes to continue the journey and the path that I believe the Lord has placed before me.  Things are slowly chugging along.  I feel like I am definitely one step closer to where I'm going... but I'm still unclear on the final destination.

I've already ruined my chances of ever doing an secret missions work in a foreign land, so I won't be hiding my thoughts anymore.  I'm not called to be a secret missionary... I can't lie and I can't shut up about things that I think are wrong... so I'm gonna put a little more out there now.

I moved to Seoul to pursue working with/for the people of North Korea.  I've met a few new students/ friends from the North and will have another opportunity tomorrow.  So, things are moving along.

I've been church hopping for the last 2 months.  I've attended 4 different English services in Seoul.  I'm lucky to have the options, but sometimes having too many options is just daunting!  Well, I finally feel a peace about Onnuri English Ministry(http://www.onnurienglish.org).  I love the pastor Eddie Byun, sometimes it feels like he gets into my brain.  Every sermon he preaches has significant meaning for me and gives me things to think about throughout the week.  So, I'm very happy to pursue calling this church "home" and will hopefully meet lots of cool people at the Spring Retreat in 2 weeks!  (yay!)

Something that has also been put on my heart and mind lately is continuing my education.  There is an English Seminary in Seoul called Torch Trinity
http://www.ttgst.ac.kr/ttgst/eng/resource/resource03.asp
They have a couple of different programs that I may be interested in.  Its also cheaper to get a masters at this school than most in the States.  Pray for me!  It wasn't really on my mind too much until recently.

I make many of my decisions based on my own feelings... like "it just feels right" kind of the "you know when  you know" thing... with both attending Onnuri church and possibly going to grad school/seminary here, I feel peace.  It feels good.  I can picture myself here.

So... here I am once again at the beginning of the chapter.  Not sure how this chapter will go... who the characters are... how the plot will develop~ BUT I'm diving in!

If you read this entire post then thanks!  This is where my heart is tonight.  I'm hoping it will continue to stir and that I'll be a little less selfish and a little more prone to seek God.  Be blessed!

Popular or not?

Funny the things we find that bring us happiness or make us feel blue... things that validate us and things that drag us down. * I'm venturing back into Elementary School. Teaching 5th grade I'm finding is SOOooooo much fun! Even though I don't have the "professor" title anymore, I think I actually enjoy 5th grade more. Of course this is only because I was blessed with a super great bunch of kids! Like seriously... they are AMAZING! They are funny and smart and most of them are nice. But the most important thing is that I've won them over and they ALL like me. YES! SUCCESS!!! 120 ten year olds in the palm of my hand! * Somehow my students have decided that I am, in fact, cool. So, no matter what my sister says... I have 120 other opinions. ;-) Mostly I've won them over with games and candy. But also love. I have a genuine love for these kids. I want to see them succeed and I want to see them be happy. And I think they know that. * But back to my main point... its really funny the things I'm finding that give me validation or make me second guess myself. * A couple of weeks ago a 5th grade boy said my outfit looked "weird" or something of that sort, and no joke, I second guessed my fashion sense... because of a 5th grade boy! * On the other hand, I'm also finding a lot of validation from the students (blowing up my Ego for sure!)... things like "I like you", "You are the best", "You are my favorite teacher", "you're cool"... simple things. Things everyone likes to hear but as an adult we just don't say enough. * Other things that I think this generation especially finds validation in is the cyber liking. I feel popular when you re-pin my pin on pinterest. I feel rejected when you don't like my picture or status on facebook. When I wake up in the morning and I don't have any new notifications I feel like no one likes me. Crazy what we've become because of technology. * I'm happy that I have found acceptance from my students and I'm very grateful to have a job that I (mostly) enjoy. I know that my true worth doesn't come from my number of friends on facebook or how many people like or re-pin. My true worth comes from Jesus Christ. I'm joyful for what God is creating me to be. The process isn't always fun. Sometimes its very lonely. But through it all, rejection AND acceptance- I'm becoming me! Keep that in mind next time you're feeling up or down. * And if you are reading this blog, I just want to let you know... I like you!