When the heart begins to stir

Maybe things are beginning to stir...

For the last 4 or 5 months my heart has felt very dead.  I've done a lot of questioning of my own morals and values and questioned what I want to hold on to, what matters, what is real and what is true.  It hasn't been all that fun.  I've messed up a few times along the way.  I've sinned.  I've failed.

But, amongst the questioning and the failure and the pain and loneliness, I've always held on to what I know to be fully true and fully real.  Jesus.

It hasn't been easy.  But I'll save my struggles for perhaps a personal conversation.

I've been going through a lot of motions (attending praise and prayer events, church, etc.) without any kind of stirring in my heart.  I know that most of this comes from my lack of time spent with God.  My prayer and devotional life has been almost non existent.  And that kind of sucks.  I know what I should do, but just like Paul and everyone else, I do what I don't want to do and I don't do what I want to do... Life's like that.

I moved to Seoul 2 months ago (wow, almost seems longer!) in hopes to continue the journey and the path that I believe the Lord has placed before me.  Things are slowly chugging along.  I feel like I am definitely one step closer to where I'm going... but I'm still unclear on the final destination.

I've already ruined my chances of ever doing an secret missions work in a foreign land, so I won't be hiding my thoughts anymore.  I'm not called to be a secret missionary... I can't lie and I can't shut up about things that I think are wrong... so I'm gonna put a little more out there now.

I moved to Seoul to pursue working with/for the people of North Korea.  I've met a few new students/ friends from the North and will have another opportunity tomorrow.  So, things are moving along.

I've been church hopping for the last 2 months.  I've attended 4 different English services in Seoul.  I'm lucky to have the options, but sometimes having too many options is just daunting!  Well, I finally feel a peace about Onnuri English Ministry(http://www.onnurienglish.org).  I love the pastor Eddie Byun, sometimes it feels like he gets into my brain.  Every sermon he preaches has significant meaning for me and gives me things to think about throughout the week.  So, I'm very happy to pursue calling this church "home" and will hopefully meet lots of cool people at the Spring Retreat in 2 weeks!  (yay!)

Something that has also been put on my heart and mind lately is continuing my education.  There is an English Seminary in Seoul called Torch Trinity
http://www.ttgst.ac.kr/ttgst/eng/resource/resource03.asp
They have a couple of different programs that I may be interested in.  Its also cheaper to get a masters at this school than most in the States.  Pray for me!  It wasn't really on my mind too much until recently.

I make many of my decisions based on my own feelings... like "it just feels right" kind of the "you know when  you know" thing... with both attending Onnuri church and possibly going to grad school/seminary here, I feel peace.  It feels good.  I can picture myself here.

So... here I am once again at the beginning of the chapter.  Not sure how this chapter will go... who the characters are... how the plot will develop~ BUT I'm diving in!

If you read this entire post then thanks!  This is where my heart is tonight.  I'm hoping it will continue to stir and that I'll be a little less selfish and a little more prone to seek God.  Be blessed!